....blue.......for you....

One of those moments crept up on me tonight. The one's when I really have to remember and feel the pain that you aren't here anymore. My good friend. To see your name there...right along side of mine...as if nothing had changed at all. Those people don't know you're gone. How can they not know you're gone when it has left such an obvious empty space? When there is one less ray of sunshine in the world?

Most days its okay. It doesn't seem as if it's as painful as it once was. Then comes the moment it sinks in. You aren't coming back. There isn't going to be a time when this isn't true. You. Aren't. Here. Anymore. Breathing seems impossible because it feels like I've been kicked in the gut. I just want to bring you back to life. Turn back time and tell you not to go, to warn you....

I want to hear your voice, your laughter, and I want to see my dear friends face. Not just ONE more time...but ALL the time.

It hurts that I can't change this.


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Just a Little Something On My Mind

My mind has been on my cousin these last few days. A few years ago, March 14, 2007, my cousin was shot out on the street and was killed. He was in his late 20's. What were the events that led up to that? What was that about? You know, people can say what they want..maybe he was running with the wrong people. I didn't know my cousin that well in the "later years" before he died. That part of the family lives in California. So, its not like we were really in touch. I remember though, when we got to see each other when we were little. I remember that cute little face. I remember his chubby little hands holding a child size Sunny Delight Orange Juice...and most of all chasing our other cousin around the house yelling at him in spanish that he was going to pull out all his hair! I can hear it in spanish in my head, but I don't know how to spell it. lol I don't know what he was to other people at the time of his death. I don't know what he was up to or anything that he might have done. I just know that I remember that sweet face and my heart hurts. It hurts me that he is not here anymore on this earth. Yes, I know about God and Heaven, and I know exactly where he is. It is just so unbelievable that one of us cousins is gone. And in such a cold and cruel way. Like I said, I didn't know him towards the end there, but my memories of him will stay sweet. I'll always remember that little trouble making sparkle in his eye....too cute for words baby cousin. If you can hear me right now...I love you.

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