I. KNEW. IT.

Sometimes its just so hard to let it go. I've been confronted with a situation that has slowly developed over the last year involving someone that is an extended family member. I look back at it and try to see if I could have approached it differently, but in all honesty I can't see how I could have. I guess I need to start by saying that this person is very strong willed. Very competitive and self centered. In calling this person self centered, I am not trying to be a name caller by any means. I am using the term descriptively, and though the entire situation makes me angry, I am not using the term in an angry manner. This is a person who has a different sense of humor. You know, the kind of person who has to "pick on you," "give you a hard time," and be sarcastic. That being said, I confronted this person about a few situations that had made me uncomfortable and that also just plain frustrated me...and yes, even hurt me. I knew this would happen. I knew what her reaction would be. I just knew it. It has happened before and in the past I have just let it go to keep the peace. But I had to do it. It was getting to the point where I could not deal being around this person who I felt was constantly belittling me and hiding behind "I'm just joking with you." And in all fairness I really do think she is just joking, but its hard to be around someone who is constantly finding something wrong with everything you say, joking or not.
She has always been this way, as long as I can remember. And like I said, as i was confronting her this last time, I just knew there was going to be an argument. This is someone who argues with you even when you are agreeing with her, just using different words. This time though, I was determined I was not backing down, I was going to stick to my guns. I was not going to back down and let her "win" (if there ever is a winner in these situations) and just let her treat me any way she wants. All of this stuff was just building up inside of me, and I knew if I didn't talk it out with her, it would come to the point where I just wouldn't bother going around her anymore. I truly wanted to avoid that.
As angry as I was, i feel like i approached her in a calm manner. I explained what was going on and why I felt the way I did. And while I was at it, I also told her I felt she was angry with me about something as well (which she said she wasn't then two second's later said she was...and told me exactly why...confusing...)and I wanted to give her the opportunity to tell me why so we could work it out. I plain flat out said, I know that I'm not perfect, I know there is something you want to say to me, I know I don't always say the right things..and that I wanted her to talk to me so we could work it out.
Again, let me say, I just knew it. I. KNEW. IT. You know, if someone had approached me with the concerns that I brought to her, I would have simply said..."Insertnamehere, I didn't know that bothered you, I'm sorry." And that is all she had to say. It would have ended right there. Then she could have brought me her concerns and I would have done the same. It could have just ended. Right there.
I. KNEW. IT.
This happens every time. Counter accusations of how I talk to her, how I do certain things (which if you listen closely to her counter accusations you would find it would take me being able to psychically read her mind to figure out I was even doing these things) too and bringing things up that I have already apologized for and would take me bending time and space to go back and change. She counter accused me of bringing things up that have nothing to do with her (which, is not true, everything I brought up were based on things that she said to me over time). As even she said, we were just talking in circles. Me trying to get her to understand where I was coming from and her deflecting any kind of responsibility for how she has treated me. Her arguing with me that I wasn't perfect either, which I hadn't denied and had even said myself (again with the arguing even when you are agreeing with her and trying to give her the opportunity to have her say). I'm tired. I'm tired of her always doing this to me.
I am not unreasonable, if she has issues with me I am more than willing to let her have her say, and apologize when needed. People who KNOW me...know this. I don't like hurting people, I don't belittle people, I don't intentionally try to do things that might hurt someone physically or mentally. I'm tired of her snapping at people all the time, holding things in and expecting them to know how she is feeling, complaining about every little thing, and then not letting people have their say. I'm not the only person she does this to. People just generally don't argue because she has to win. She won't let it go until you give up, and she is "right" as usual. A simple I'm sorry could have ended this. Her 'go to' solution is "we have to agree to disagree." This can work sometimes I guess, but...how do you say "Well, we have to agree to disagree that I hurt you." "I don't agree that I hurt you." How can you argue someone else's feelings? I don't get it. I did get a half apology out of her...but what's an apology if you have to dig it out of someone? Then she also turns around and brings someone I have never met into the situation..and saying I don't approve of this person. Wait...what? I can't say I do, but I can't say I don't either. I've never met this person. I have to admit at this point I should have kept my mouth shut...because I then proceeded to remind her all I ever heard were negative things of this person...things that SHE had said. Which included the exact words she used to describe how she felt about him. Which of course she denied (quite vehemently I might add--which of course then made me a liar. Nice.) Even though those exact words were the honest truth...I should have kept it shut on that subject.
I could go on and on about how this all went down....I can even prove a great deal of this. This was dealt with part on the phone part in email. I know what I said to her, its typed out for anyone who would care to see it. I go over and over asking myself if I could be wrong, if I could have used different words....but this is one time I don't think I'm wrong. I feel I was fair. I feel I was honest. I feel I gave her the same opportunity to talk to me. Like I said, anyone who KNOWS me...knows that I hate drama, and conflict is the LAST thing on my mind. It seems though..as usual, that to this person, I have made up a reason to argue with her. That I've memorized everything she has said or done, just to turn it on her and make a scene.
I've been around her all my life and considered her my best friend. Super close. But as I sit here thinking about this, and I think about it often because I hate the way this went, I realize this has happened all of our lives.
In her "joking" she has taken a superior position to me, and I let her. Always, I have backed down to avoid a fight, an argument and "agreed to disagree" even when I knew she was or felt she was wrong. We haven't spoken in a couple months, she is having health problems which she hasn't told me about herself, she hasn't told me anything. In her mind, I am sure that this is me being unreasonable, over sensitive...whatever makes it not her doing. There was a time I would just let it go. There was a time that her personality might have been fun, but we are not 12 years old anymore. We are in our 30's, and despite my determination to remain fun and joyful, there are times we need to be humble and reflect on how our actions affect others.
I know as a Christian, which I shout to the rooftops that I am, I should look the other way. But there is something also to be said about defending myself and the life that God gave me. I look back over those years of how "close" we were and realize that we really weren't. Our friendship was based on my willingness to back down and let her have her way or take the lead. It got to the point where it was just second nature for her to see me as her little side kick, someone to shove into the back seat, and that she was somehow better and stronger. Keeping things from me or dealing with situations on my behalf without me knowing, only to have her tell me about it later and explaining her actions and ending with "I did it because, well, you know how you are..."
She see's my sensitivity as weakness. Maybe she should have stopped to think..I wasn't over sensitive or weak. Maybe she was just treating me like crap. We are totally different people...yes, I am sensitive. I take things to heart and sometimes I even cry. Its part of life. But this sensitivity also allows me to see things from other people's point of view. How people relate with each other. With this person, its all about how people treat HER, how people relate to HER, how other people's actions affect HER...even when it has nothing to do with HER. I've heard people give her a compliment and then her respond by complaining and arguing it.
This time I am not giving in to her. Regardless of what is going on in her life, and I know this sounds really harsh, and maybe I AM wrong...but I don't believe in giving people a free pass to act any way they want because they are having difficulties. Everyone has difficulties in their lives and but not everyone treats people like that. Knowing my family history, I could come down with cancer, diabetes, or lupus tomorrow. I know very well I could come down with all three at one time...I've seen it happen! But this would not give me license to turn around and expect people to bow to me. I don't expect that kind of freebie, I'm not giving it to someone else. It takes a lot for me to say this, because I am generally the kind of person who wants things to be good and happy. It takes a lot for me to turn away from someone especially when they are having a hard time.
However, I did not create this situation. It is not my responsibility to go out of my way to fix this. This all started when I tried to fix things and make things right between us by giving us BOTH the opportunity to say what we needed to say. What more could I have done? I don't see how I could have done it different. The difference between this time and the last is that I'm unwilling to let her walk all over me. It's not okay to treat me that way.
In my life I just want things to be sweet, happy, and kind. This is obviously something that I am not going to get from this person. I don't feel good about myself around her, it's always been that way, and as long as she refuses to even entertain the idea that she might be wrong in this or any situation, it will remain that way. This is one of those situations where I am going to have to just love this person from a distance. I have to learn to let it go because its not going to change and all it is doing is hurting me.

I'm just going to leave it there for now because its just so frustrating to think about. I'm going to post this email I received a while back that I really loved. Its a great reminder to me.

Letting Go

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.......LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.....LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.... ..LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'

During the next 60 seconds, Stop whatever you are doing, and take this opportunity..(Literally it is only ONE minute!)

All you have to do is the following, you simply say 'The Lords Prayer':

The Lords Prayer

Our Father, who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever.

Amen.

Next, stop and think and appreciate God's power in your life, for doing what you know is pleasing to Him. 'Yes, I love my God. He is my fountain of Life and My Savior. He Keeps me going day and night. Without Him, I am no one. But with Him, I can do everything, Christ is my strength.'




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